Goodbye For Now

I’ve decided after going through a lot that I’m going to move my blog address.  This is mostly due to the fact that I realize that I need complete anonymity for me to write my true feelings without hurting my family.  For those of you who read this anonymously, I hope you’ll find my new blog at some point, and we can pick up where we left off…

The Holiday

After I crashed huge last week, Hubby was having a harder and harder time managing to keep his emotions in check. It came to a boiling point on Monday evening, so we decided that we both needed a small break. Hub went to stay with some family for a few days while my Mom came to help me and help with Munchkin.

Yesterday was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. The entire atmosphere of the place has changed, everyone’s much more relaxed. Although today I’m having a bad day, I’m managing not too badly, and most important of all, I haven’t self harmed in two days now.

Oh how I wish I could be happy about this. I wish I could be happy about all of this, but I’m not. As my Therapist says, it’s like I’m getting screwed twice. My meds allow me to function, and I’ve been exhausting every bit of my personal strength to try to accomplish every day tasks, but because of the depression and the numbness from the pills, I feel no joy in my accomplishments.

People keep telling me that it is enough that I am going through the motions and even if I don’t feel good about it yet, it will ultimately help me in the long run, but on bad days like today, I just wish I could tell people to screw off. If you’ve ever forced yourself, in a really bad state to do something that you used to be able to do without thinking, on auto-pilot, and you’ve returned from it shaking, sweating through your shirt, and with no feeling of triumph, then you’d never say “It’s going to be better in the long run”. I don’t care about the long run. I’m trapped in my head, in this hell, in the now. There is no more light at the end of the tunnel. I am alone in the dark. Depression has narrowed my view of the world to the size of a peephole. No more big picture. Just immediate and never ending pain.

I only hope I have the strength to get through this. I don’t know how long this will last, but it’s wearing me down. I doubt myself all the time. I know it’s the disease, I know it’s the depression, but that doesn’t MEAN anything to me. It’s still what it is. I still have to deal with it. I don’t care what causes it, no one should have to live through this hell; To live in a world that they once found beautiful and can now only see as tainted.

When I laugh, I feel fake. It’s not the wild abandoned laughter that is naturally my own. It’s a hollow laugh, a forced smile. But I’m well practiced at this, and sometimes to protect the ones we love, we have to show them the best of ourselves. Even if it is an act. If anyone who cared about me knew half of the thoughts in my head, half of the pain, the side effects of all the pills I take, the self harming…they would be horrified. Just as I am all the time. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. And so I keep quiet, I try to smile and laugh, I make myself go through the motions. All this means to me is that I haven’t given up yet.

Natural High

As I type this, I’m huffing and puffing, red cheeked and out of breath, my heart is racing, my body is aching from head to toe, I’m drenched in sweat, shuddering with fright, the Seroquil has my body almost asleep as my anxiety fights it, and my mind is in this semi-lucid euphoric state that’s penetrated with fear. Panic is starting to take over…BUT

I just walked my dog. Fuckin’ eh.

And Today’s letter is the letter ‘B’

I’ve been so fucked up lately, I don’t even know what to write. Hubby took some great pics of Munchkin last night so I thought I’d post one of those. How can you not smile at that sweet little face?

Showered in Success

As you may already know, I have a phobia of the shower. This was one of the places that my dad abused me when I was little and for a long time now, whenever I get near the shower, or think about having one, I panic. Even baths can be traumatic, see here.

Yesterday evening, hubby asked earlier on if I was interested in attempting a shower. He said we’d do it my way and he only wanted to help me in any way he could. I asked him to stay in the bathroom with me, but to stay fully clothed and be prepared to help me if I needed it. Before I got in the shower, I said over and over inside my head “This is MY bathroom. This is MY shower. You CANNOT hurt me here.” All in all, it wasn’t that bad – as long as my eyes were open. As soon as I closed my eyes to rinse my hair, my imagination came into play and I was sure he would be right there, naked and waiting for me when I opened me eyes. I was almost sick. I began to panic. I opened my eyes, despite my face full of soap. Of course he wasn’t there, but my eyes burned like hell for a while. I asked hubby to promise he would protect me, while I had to keep my eyes closed. Just a silly formality, but it comforted me. Of course he said he would. I felt a bit more comfortable after that. So really, my shower was a success! I have some more to work on, but at least I can have one. I’m sick of baths.

Tonight, or early this morning I should say, after weeks of sweeping my hair from my eyes, I’d finally had enough. I went into the bathroom and cut my hair in front of the mirror. I’ve only done this once before, and it turned out much better and much easier this time. Then I remembered I had some colour pulse semi-permanent hair dye, plum colour. It only took 30 minutes to set, so I did that too. In the process, I had to shower off, which I did all by myself, thank you very much, although it was quite creepy seeing all the purple water everywhere. I’m glad I didn’t get red. ;0) I’m now sporting a funky purple fauxhawk.

So now the sun has risen, not even my dog will get up yet, and I am all alone and wide awake. Not even the birds are singing for it’s raining. Maybe I’ll just stay up and take a nap this afternoon. My parents are coming this evening to help watch Munchkin while hubby goes to pool, so that should be fun. We have lots of catching up to do, even though we’ve been seeing so much of each other recently.

To my family in the Woods…I love you and will see you soon. Send me an e-mail when you get the chance. Maybe we can just chat back and forth about this and that like the good old days…

Whatever it takes…

Today was another bad one. I did however, whenever I felt the need to self harm, force myself to go to bed, cuddle under the covers and cry and tell my teddy bear all about everything. Stitch has been my faithful companion since birth. Now tattered and more delicate, he still lives on my bed. I was thinking today…imagine if he could somehow come to life. The things he would be able to tell us. That bear has seen a lot of things, many of them bad. He has always been my source of comfort, and while I know that Stitch is just a teddy bear, just an inanimate object, that bear is an entity to me. Maybe not a person, but I have poured so much of my soul into him over the years, there must be something special about him.

The bad news however, is that I ran out of Seroquil (I take 2 pills every night before bed), and the pharmacy couldn’t advance me any because there was a mistake on the computer saying the prescription was canceled. No way. I’ve been on this stuff for months, they don’t cut you off, they wean you off, but this is an addictive drug, and so the pharmacist just couldn’t give me any, despite my history. I just need to survive tonight without it, and I can get it fixed tomorrow. If the anxiety gets really bad, I may take an extra dose of Clonazepam, but only if I absolutely need it. I’m also planning to take two Gravol, which should knock me out in a manner similar to the Seroquil.

Last night was the best so far out of the past few days, so maybe I’m coming out of this. I hit bottom, and I have a long way to climb up. I’m so tired. Tired of being afraid all the time. Tired of the sucking feeling in my chest. Tired of the pain in my heart. Tired of the chaos inside my mind. I can’t keep things straight anymore at all. Last night, after taking my pills, I watched the latest Harry Potter film, The Order Of The Phoenix (yeah, I know, it fits, right?). I found it distracted me well and I was able to escape to their world for a few hours, at the end of which I could hardly keep my eyes open…which meant no self harm last night.

I saw a prevue for a movie we have available to rent off the TV. It’s The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising, a flashy looking, adventuresome, Indie film, which IMDB gives a whopping 4.6. But for me, it may be just what I need to distract myself from my pain until I can sleep.

From this post, you may deduce that I’m a different person that the one who wrote the last two, or that perhaps I have more than one personality, but the truth of it is, I was inspired today. Not just a little inspired. A lot inspired:

Today my baby boy’s face glowed when he saw me. He clumsily stumbled across his playpen and kissed me. He made the weight lift. He made my heart glow. He made me swell with the kind of love that conquers all.

Now I’m trying so hard not to self harm. So hard. I’ll do whatever it takes to get through this. For myself, and for the amazing people who are a part of this battle with me.

To those people: Fear not. Even when times seem at their darkest, just remember how my spirit always shines, and that I have amazing courage. No matter what knocks me down and out in life, I’ll always get up.

Remnants from the Dustbin

Usually, when I sit down to write a post, I have some idea in my mind of the direction my writing will be taking. Most of my posts are neat, complete little packages, which can be read by themselves, or grouped together with the rest of the posts to tell, what is ultimately, my story. This time however, I feel compelled to warn you as a reader that I have no idea at all about what I should or might want to write about. This post may wander all over the map as far as subjects go, but I’ll try to keep it as concise and flowing as possible, for your sake(s), if not my own.

I’ll start with the highlight of my day, when I got to see a raccoon family of four bed down in a tree right near our balcony. I went outside to watch them, and none of them seemed to mind my being there. Seeing raccoons again reminded me of my Grandparents, who used to feed a few strays some dog kibble until one day they found themselves with no more lawn, and around 30 hungry raccoons clambering to be fed. These days, it’s a different animal, same story for them, they now are the proud supporters of a large herd of deer and some wild turkeys to boot, also fed on their front lawn…their back lawn…their driveway…who really owns that place, that’s the real question

On to new topics…I’ve been blogging for about a year now, and have had several blogs, some describing my own life, and some the antics of my son. I never seemed however, to have the staying power to keep on writing. While I turned out some fantastic writing, most of it was forced and over-edited, without that natural flow of words that comes with the freedom of thought as we put our fingers to keys. In the end, all of these attempted blogs fizzled out. I took some time off from writing. I wasn’t ready to deal with the world, let alone write each day, feeling as though it was chore of some sort. Since I’ve started therapy, I’ve been encouraged to write and express myself, which I found impossible to do for a long, long time. And then one day, bam! The words just started to flow out of me. I guess I was finally ready to share. The things I love most about this blog are a) It’s anonymous, b) I can write about any subject I choose, without having the feeling that I have to pander to my audience (mostly family) and c) It has proven to be very therapeutic and has helped me to discover and come to more understandings about my situation, than I ever thought possible. Cheers to WordPress for hosting and powering this blog.

P.s Happy 4:20 ;0)

Family Therapy

Today my Parents came to my therapy session with me. They suggested this to me a few weeks ago, in the hopes that it would help my therapist understand me better, and possibly help them find more ways to help me. Aren’t they great?

The session was a success. I believe my therapist was able to gain some good information about me as a child, that I had not been able to provide. It’s very difficult to provide someone with insight into a time you hardly remember and when the snippets you do remember come with childish thoughts of the young.

Afterwards, we walked a few blocks to a favourite coffee place. I was nervous being out in the streets, which were busy, but the sun was shining, and I had my Parents at my side so I was OK. We sat and had great conversation while we sipped our various beverages, before they dropped me off at home and we parted ways.

Tonight, I’m feeling pretty bad. After therapy, I usually do. Not bad because therapy was bad, but because I have to explore those dark places and bad things that happened to me, and it always leaves me feeling weak, exhausted and overwhelmed.

All I can do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other. One day I will look up and see that the sun is shining, my family is at my side, and I no longer hide in the shadows with the Black Dogs at my heels.

Finally, A Good Day

I’ve been waiting for one of these for the longest time.  A good day.  Wow.  It was amazing.  I started out this morning tentatively, not knowing what kind of a day it was going to be, and before I knew it, I was having a great time playing with A and M.  M has pool on Monday nights, so my Mom has generously offered to come here on Monday evenings to be with A and I.  Sometimes I can’t even get out of bed.  I’m terrified and hide in there, curled in the fetal position.  That’s when M stays home from pool.  But now, thanks to Mom and L, I’ll have support on the night I’m alone.  Tonight turned into a fun evening, watching the antics of A, then having a girl’s night, including a haircut for my Mom, and just generally relaxing together.  Getting reacquainted.  It’s been a long time since Mom and I spent this much time together.  We used to be very close, but life has steered us slightly apart so that we see a lot less of each other these days.  I look forward to these Mondays very much.

M returned from pool and Mom went home.  M and I enjoyed a pleasant rest of the evening.  I’ve had only very fast flashes of panic, but they’re gone before I know what to think.  I’ve been awake for a while since M went to bed, but I’ve been having fun on my own, and plan to head to bed after this post…harm free!  My first day in a while.  I’ve also begun to take good care of my burns again, medicating and bandaging them to keep them from infecting.  For a while I hated myself so much that I didn’t bother.  I’m glad that I care once more.

For Laughs

From the show “Frasier“: Niles prepares for his Valentine’s Day date, but things go awry…