Whatever it takes…
Today was another bad one. I did however, whenever I felt the need to self harm, force myself to go to bed, cuddle under the covers and cry and tell my teddy bear all about everything. Stitch has been my faithful companion since birth. Now tattered and more delicate, he still lives on my bed. I was thinking today…imagine if he could somehow come to life. The things he would be able to tell us. That bear has seen a lot of things, many of them bad. He has always been my source of comfort, and while I know that Stitch is just a teddy bear, just an inanimate object, that bear is an entity to me. Maybe not a person, but I have poured so much of my soul into him over the years, there must be something special about him.
The bad news however, is that I ran out of Seroquil (I take 2 pills every night before bed), and the pharmacy couldn’t advance me any because there was a mistake on the computer saying the prescription was canceled. No way. I’ve been on this stuff for months, they don’t cut you off, they wean you off, but this is an addictive drug, and so the pharmacist just couldn’t give me any, despite my history. I just need to survive tonight without it, and I can get it fixed tomorrow. If the anxiety gets really bad, I may take an extra dose of Clonazepam, but only if I absolutely need it. I’m also planning to take two Gravol, which should knock me out in a manner similar to the Seroquil.
Last night was the best so far out of the past few days, so maybe I’m coming out of this. I hit bottom, and I have a long way to climb up. I’m so tired. Tired of being afraid all the time. Tired of the sucking feeling in my chest. Tired of the pain in my heart. Tired of the chaos inside my mind. I can’t keep things straight anymore at all. Last night, after taking my pills, I watched the latest Harry Potter film, The Order Of The Phoenix (yeah, I know, it fits, right?). I found it distracted me well and I was able to escape to their world for a few hours, at the end of which I could hardly keep my eyes open…which meant no self harm last night.
I saw a prevue for a movie we have available to rent off the TV. It’s The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising, a flashy looking, adventuresome, Indie film, which IMDB gives a whopping 4.6. But for me, it may be just what I need to distract myself from my pain until I can sleep.
From this post, you may deduce that I’m a different person that the one who wrote the last two, or that perhaps I have more than one personality, but the truth of it is, I was inspired today. Not just a little inspired. A lot inspired:
Today my baby boy’s face glowed when he saw me. He clumsily stumbled across his playpen and kissed me. He made the weight lift. He made my heart glow. He made me swell with the kind of love that conquers all.
Now I’m trying so hard not to self harm. So hard. I’ll do whatever it takes to get through this. For myself, and for the amazing people who are a part of this battle with me.
To those people: Fear not. Even when times seem at their darkest, just remember how my spirit always shines, and that I have amazing courage. No matter what knocks me down and out in life, I’ll always get up.
